And the list goes on.. 26 more things I’ve learned in my 8 years of parenting…
1. Coffee and wine are divine.. and often necessary for the survival of both parties involved.
2. There is a distinct difference between the way mom dresses the children and the way dad does.
3. Inevitably the moment you say “you know, they don’t have a problem with that,” they will.
4. Laundry will multiple like rabbits in your house.
5. You will learn to think to yourself.. “that’s what she said” when listening to kids shows. And maybe feel a little bad that you just made a dirty joke about a kids show.
6. Socks and sweaters will disappear faster than seems humanly possible.
7. It’s really when you absolutely need to sit down and get something done that your children will decide they actually want to have your attention. An hour prior, they couldn’t stop themselves from saying “No, go away.”
8. Kids smell. They only are fresh right out of the shower, but for some reason, this only lasts for 10 minutes.
9. They know which parent is likely to give them the answer they want. Make sure to double check with your spouse who may have already nixed their ingenious plan.
10. You will cringe any time you see them doing something you did as a child (and managed to survive.) If you are lucky, you’ll at least be able to say, like me, that you have good insurance.
11. Anyone who says their child is perfect is lying. Period.
12. At some point, your child will embarrass you but fully out of innocence. Telling an entire class that his mom farts will be more humiliating than you can possibly imagine, especially given it was announced to a class of stinky 4 year olds.
13. Children are spastic. They often can be compared to inebriated adults who think they’ve mastered the coolest dance moves.
14. Children will always be too tired to clean their room. However, if their friend comes knocking 30 seconds into their “I’m too tired” routine, suddenly they have energy to play outside for hours on end. Pull out the “I’m a mean parent” card and maybe even suggest the friend help before they can play.
15. They will ask and ask what is there to eat but the moment you suggest they make it themselves, they suddenly aren’t hungry.
16. They will behave very well in a non crowded movie theater. However, a crowded one will be a very different story and many people will be left wondering why on earth that mother of that screaming toddler would’ve even tried to watch a movie.
17. Most children behave 100% better for another adult, leading your friends to utter the phrase “I can’t believe he’s ever that bad” more times than you would care to hear. A word of advice, just turn that phrase into a drinking game. Then everyone can win.
18. The first time you hear your child say something in exactly the same way as you would, you will realize how much of an impact you have on their lives. And hopefully, it’s not something which would be censored on T.V.
19. You will feel as if you are stuck in the Groundhog’s Day movie with how many times you’ve picked up the same toy.
20. You will try very hard to capture any future blackmailing pictures of your children.
21. They will always need to go to the bathroom when a.) there isn’t one anywhere in the next 35 miles or b.) it’s in such a ghetto area that you would rather risk them peeing on the seat than get out of your car.
22. Iphones, Ipads, Netflix and a Mary Poppins purse of toys and coloring supplies make happy hour…well.. happy.
23. A helping hand from a child often increases the finishing time of a project by 90%.
24. Bedtimes are often synonymous with the phrase “I’m off duty!” (Though in all honesty, you never are!)
25. Your own friends will be dictated more by the fact if your child gets along with their children.
26. You will count down the minutes until they are through their latest “phase”, until you are looking back at time and wondering how they grew up so fast. Learn to appreciate all the moments, even the ones that make you say, at the end of the day, “Well, we are both still alive.” =)