The rant of a two year old
What I imagine my toddler would say to me if 1.) he could verbalize all of those grumpy stares he gives me and 2.) if I ever let him talk to me in such a way.
Dear Lady who changes my diaper (sometimes I call you “dad” too just for kicks)
I would really appreciate it if you could just let me do whatever I want. If I want to be picked up and held while you are carrying in all of the groceries from the car, I really don’t see why this should be an issue. After all, you are always telling Dad how much of a great multi-tasker you are, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t be able to figure this one out for me. I mean, the change of scenery is nice. How would you like it if your line of sight was constantly at the height of most people’s butts? Of course, I must give you the proviso that I only want to be held when I want it. This does not mean that you should swoop down and pick me up when I found myself perfectly content to be lying in the middle of the ground at Disneyland because you wouldn’t just let me stay on the ride for another turn. I don’t care about those people in line behind me, they will get their turn “soon enough” as you told me I would for the last 45 minutes that I was waiting. What exactly is your definition of “soon enough” by the way? Can’t you tell time? I’m pretty sure that you are lying to me when you say dinner is ready in two minutes and point to the timer on the stove? By the way, why are you pointing? You do know I can’t tell time right?
And another thing, why do you always have to ask me if I’m ready for a diaper change? Do I ever really get a choice? I mean, I know that I’m standing here stinking up the whole house but I don’t mind, so why should you? While we are on the subject of diaper changes, must you announce out in front of people that I do need a diaper change? Where is the dignity in that, lady? Do you yell out that you have to go potty every time that you do or do you try to discreetly excuse yourself? I know from time to time, I have foiled your attempt to go to the bathroom in peace and I’m going to tell you right now that I laid awake in my bed for several hours concocting just the right plan. So, if you could appreciate my evil genius just for one moment, rather than rolling your eyes and mumbling something about the fact that you never get a moments peace, that would be great.
Speaking of moments of peace, why must you assume that any time I’m quiet, I’m doing something I shouldn’t be? Yes, so I was drawing on the wall very quietly this morning when you came in, but lady, you have to let an artist work! The creative spirit moved me! It told me I needed to color on the wall. Are you really going to quash my passion at such a young age? And yes, there was the time I emptied the entire contents of a Costco sized bottle of baby powder every where in my room, but man, it smelled! I know you said it was me who smelled, but someone had to take care of the smell. I was taking initiative; I’ve heard you say enough times that this is something which is a good thing.
Oh yes, and can you please work on your ability to decode what I’m saying? I mean, when I say “wan a key” I do not mean that I want to play with your keys (which by the way are useless since you never let me drive the car!) I mean, hello! It clearly meant that I wanted a cookie. And yes, that’s all I wanted for dinner. You are always saying that children naturally gravitate towards the types of foods they need at that time in their growth, clearly, I need a box of cookies for dinner. You really should learn to listen to your own advice.
This brings me to my final point. If you could just learn another word besides “no” all the time, you and I would get along great. I really don’t see why I can’t have some of your “juice” or why I shouldn’t pull on the cat’s tail? I mean, if it wasn’t meant to be pulled on, why is it there? If you are going to tell me to go play, perhaps you should spend some more time specifying the parameters of “play”. I thought that play was suppose to be fun and, for the record, I find trying to put the cat in the toilet or brush his fur with your toothbrush lots of fun. I don’t understand why you can’t see the humor in it.
Well, that’s all for now. I am currently working on my list of demands which will include letting me play near the hot stove while you are cooking, a bedtime which is more to my contentment and many more demands which I’m not even 100% sure on, yet.